I thought it was maybe time for an update as some of you will know my baby girl has turned one. I was planning on having a little birthday party for her but then I start to think about the what if no one comes or where am I going to hold it, then I start to panic about the details of this party and the logistics of a one year old’s party and the mess and the safety. After 5 mins of this I’d already decided she wasn’t having one and we’ll go to my parents instead, In the end we took her to Tropical world and I’m glad we did, she loved it!
I’m sure people just think I’m rude for not turning up to events, I don’t mean to be that person and I really don’t want to be and unless you’ve had panic attacks you wont understand the absolute fear that comes over you when you think about doing something you’re not sure about. Then on the other hand.. I really don’t want my daughter to feel this so I feel like I have to suffer through it with a brave face so she doesn’t see it and never has to feel like we cant go anywhere that she wants to go because mummy’s anxiety rules her life. It’s not fair on her and to be honest it’s not fair on me either. I want to go out and socialise and have fun without gut wrenching fear and nausea.
What’s ironic is, anxiety makes it’s self worse. You feel anxious about going out, you don’t go out, you think no one gets it or understands how you feel because you don’t go out and you don’t talk about it. You don’t talk about it because you don’t want to sound weak and pathetic. So you stay in and start to think you’re fine because you’re not ruled by anxiety… you’re just choosing to stay in…. then you get invited out again and you feel anxious and you know damn well it wasn’t a choice you wanted to make. Then you feel rubbish and down.
I love being a stay at home mum don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t give it up for the world… but unless I start to make some serious money from home.. there’s a chance I’ll be needing to look for another job when I’m done having kids and raising them and that scares the shit out of me. Here’s hoping we win the lottery that we don’t play or my husband gets a massive pay rise in a time where it’s more likely to be made redundant. Ugh.