You’ve seen all the posts on Facebook about anxiety and how people feel with it but its not something you really pay attention to if you don’t have anxiety. Now I wouldn’t have said I was someone who really struggled with anxiety. I’ve had panic attacks before but its not something that I see as being a problem for me. I feel like it was more of a problem when I couldn’t drive because I get anxious going to new places. What if I go to the wrong place or what if I get stuck and I don’t know where I am. What if I cant get back home. All things that normally wouldn’t be a problem for someone, I mean especially now with smartphones. No one gets lost or trapped anymore but it’s still a big thing for me and for other people with anxiety.
Since driving it’s like having my own safe space with me, so I can go anywhere, if I get stuck or lost or that person I was supposed to see didn’t show up or wasn’t there I have my car. My space to be in and breathe. Worst case scenarios are also a major part of anxiety for me but in my car, worst case is that I get back in my car and leave. I’ve also taken to making this into a positive, so when someone asks me to do things or go places I’m not sure of I try to say yes, what’s the worse that could happen. I get in my car and leave, that’s not so bad. I may obsess about it and feel rubbish about having that happen for ages after but nothing particularly bad happened.
All of this on its own is hard, sometimes I just have a too much day. Like today was a too much day for me. Knowing a I needed to post on my blog, I have my baby girl who needs me to have my shit together to look after her, to feed her when she needs it, to change her, to put her down for naps. I need to start dinner and remember to feed myself during the day (with a baby is harder than it seems), remember to drink water… just really simple stuff but with anxiety it made today really hard and I’m not going to lie I had to put my baby girl down for a nap early because I just wanted to cry.
I make lists as an attempt to stop thinking about all of the things I need to do but that doesn’t always help it just makes things worse sometimes because now I’m already mid panic attack and I’m procrastinating and putting things off that are on my list to do.
It’s been really sunny for the past couple of days and I’ve really wanted to go out with Ebony for a walk around the park but I just cant face going outside. Doctors tell you that you should go for walks or exercise this all helps towards mental health but when you cant leave the house it’s hard to do that. Even going for a drive out starts with getting Ebony ready, dressed, changed, fed and changing bag stocked and ready and then get me ready by the time I’ve done all that Ebony will need feeding and changing again. She’ll probably need another bloody change of clothes because she’s waited till she’s in the damn car seat to be sick all over everything. Which I know is nothing new for any parent but it doesn’t half put you off leaving the house. Then when you’ve done all that she’ll need a nap because now she’d fussy and then it starts again, by the time you look outside its dark and you’ve just spent a whole day trying to leave.
You’ve neglected everything else that needed doing like eat and clean and the list… Ahh god the list! Then the guilt that you haven’t done anything and before you know it today way just a too much day and I’m tired and in tears.
Maybe we’ll leave the house tomorrow.
Ebony’s mum x
This post first appeared on www.meetothermums.com